Back to the Ocean

Driving back home tonight from an evening with the incarcerated. Talking to my clients on a Sunday evening gives them a feeling that they are not forgotten.

I can see how they would feel that way. As I waited to be released from the attorney room (yes, they lock us in there) I had a view of a locked metal door with a metal flap on it. There was a towel rolled up at the base of the door. It was an isolation cell. No natural light. No moving air. The towel is to block both. No control over anything. The jailers control the light, the water in the sink and the toilet. No stimulation whatsoever.

I knew that there was a human in that room.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

I left feeling angry and frustrated and wondering why I do this (again)

And as I got to the "really nasty part of that feeling sorry for myself in this position" thing, I came around the corner that gave me a view of the Pacific Ocean at Pismo Beach.

It was almost 8 o'clock and the sun was down. But the light gave the ocean a teal green hue that sparkled like the London Topaz that I wore on my left ring finger. And I thought of Dan.

And I thought of the Cheese Ball (see earlier posts) and the fact that going out on Sunday made somebody feel better and that Dan always encouraged me to do that.

And then he would have a cup of tea ready for me at the end of his road and we would watch the Ocean. The Great Pacific Ocean.

And we would be reminded that we are very, very tiny.

Jed

Dan really liked Melodie's husband, Jed. He is smart, quick with a pun, loves Melodie to death (an expression only, thank you), knows his way around a computer and other geeky stuff, AND he can sing.

One thing that Jed likes to do but that Melodie hates is hiking. I really like hiking but I am, well, I ain't a spring chicken anymore. Dan loved just walking around. You couldn't call it hiking because he had a stride that was three times that of anyone else so hiking for us was walking for him.

But I digress.

Today Jed and I went hiking/walking in the Montana de Oro park near Morro Bay. For those of you who have no idea what that means, here is a representative picture of the area.

On the trail above the Pacific Ocean, Montana de Oro, 2011

It was gorgeous! And at 8 in the morning it was chilly and free of other people.

We kept commenting on how amazing the landscapes and seascapes were as we passed. We often stopped to take pictures and I even got one of Jed.

Jed, Montana de Oro, 2011

Dan often mentioned his awe of the power of the ocean. As we sat at the end of his street and drank tea at the end of the day, we witnessed the erosion to the cliffs in Pismo. But it was even more pronounced in Montana de Oro.

Montana de Oro, 2011

This picture shows the ocean rising into an area where there is a cavernous area behind the large rock area. All the edges were clearly eroded away by water. It was amazing.

Both Jed and I wished Dan could have seen it.

Pissed Off, Again

I haven't written here in a few days and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't put words to paper (so to speak)

I had time. I was moving the office but I sat at my computer at night. My mind was generally a blank and I just let it be.

Then tonight, I am playing some silly game and I started to cry. Tears just started down my face.

No foreplay, just tears.

Now where in HELL did this come from- says my silly brain.

And then it comes.

I AM PISSED.

I am pissed at my parents for not taking better care of Dan when he was a kid. (Revisionist history is in full swing)

I am pissed at my other brother for not doing something that relates to Dan (Imaginary history is running a close second)

I am pissed at my self for not noticing that he wasn't feeling well. (Revisionist and Imaginary combining into a really nasty dose of self-pity)

And after I get through that whole thought process and analysis, it comes down to one simple thing. One very, very simple thing.

I miss my brother. And that pisses me off. And when I get this pissed, I cry.

Mama Bear

Dan always laughed at how protective I could get about my daughter and about him. Someone wants to hurt my family I turn into the proverbial Mama Bear.

Melodie was always embarrassed if I showed up at her school to talk to a teacher or a principal. They were in for it about something that was going on with her. One time, and Dan laughed really hard about this one, a teacher accused Melodie of plagiarism because a seventh grader didn't know the words that she used in her term paper.

I cam unglued. I took my daughter's IQ scores (not that they meant anything to me-but I knew that they would to this teacher) and some of our personal library that Melodie regularly read. I sat in the principal's office and read off the recommendations of her former teachers. Then I asked her if she had read any of the books that I had brought along. The teacher slunk out of the room. The principal was red faced.

Melodie was transferred to an AP class. Where she should have been.

I tell you all of this because there were times, in the last year of Dan's life, when I felt the same way about him. There were people who did not have his best interests at heart and I was willing to take them on. Head on.

He got in my way. He didn't want me to. So I didn't. I seethed and fretted. But I shut my mouth.

God is that hard for an attorney. Much less a Mama Bear!

I am reminded of this today as we set up the new office. I want my child safe. And her office is open.

Melodie and Jeff Buckingham

So, out comes the landlady  and blinds are going into the office.

It's nice to know I still have it!

Leon Redbone

Dan loved music. All kinds of music.

He loved Willson and McKee

He loved the Vocal Arts Ensemble

He loved Leon Redbone.

And tonight I had a date with my spouse to go to dinner with our children and share and evening with Leon Redbone.

The kids had no idea who he was. His music wasn't on their radar. But I thought I would introduce them to something a bit different.

I don't know if they liked it.

I know I did.

I know that Dan would have savored every minute.

This You Tube video has the same setting and one of the songs he sang tonight.

http://youtu.be/KtlFxwcq3PE

It was wonderful to watch him in person and feel Dan so close.

He was Awesome

Sometimes the offspring can spring one on you.

She was suppose to be studying. After all, she graduates from law school in August and takes the Bar exam in February. She is my retirement plan. She better be studying.

But she got to thinking about letting people know about our Farewell to Daniel.

She thought there ought to be a poster. So she designs one.

This is, as she says, her first draft. Of course it won't copy here because the file is too big and it is jpeg in a word document so blogger gets confusilated and shuts down.

So I thought I would at least show the picture. I hadn't seen it before.

Melodie and Dan at Camp Nelson

It was her first ride with him. He was telling her to ride like she was a piece of luggage. They were gone for a long time.

Anyway, she puts his name across the bottom of the picture and fills in the rest with
"DO YOU KNOW ME? I WAS AWESOME"
Then she tells people to come share their stories, songs and memories on the Sunday before Memorial Day at our cabin.

The poster is awesome. But more than that--the love that they had for each other was awesome.

I am so glad that Dan could give her that kind of unconditional, always there love that didn't come with any parental discipline or history. It just was.

And it always will be.

He was AWESOME.

Not a Day

Not a day goes by that Dan is not in my thoughts.

I often find myself wondering what he would have said about this or that. I even wonder what he would think about my writing about him.

I have been deeply depressed from the last few days. I sang at a celebration of life for a long time supporter of VAE and we all sat through the service. It was very moving. The symphony played. Her daughter gave a beautiful eulogy. It was held at the Performing Arts Center on the Cal Poly campus which she had been involved in funding. There were lots of people.


Imagine being able to build this-

And then sing in it.

We sang "The Lord Bless You and Keep You".

Yeah, the one that we sang at the end of our concert for Dan and Jed's mom and all the others that we lost these last few months.

And it kinda set me off. Or rather set me down.

I can't put a finger on it. It has just been a malaise. An inability to really do anything except stare into space.

I am starting to come out of it. We start singing for the California International Choral Festival tomorrow which means we sing in about 5 languages which have nothing in common with English. That should perk me up again.

Dan would be so pissed that I let the black cloud show up. Especially because he was somehow the cause. Time to get off my cloud and start living again.

I will think of him tomorrow with a happier thought process. I promise, Dan.