I haven't written here in a few days and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't put words to paper (so to speak)
I had time. I was moving the office but I sat at my computer at night. My mind was generally a blank and I just let it be.
Then tonight, I am playing some silly game and I started to cry. Tears just started down my face.
No foreplay, just tears.
Now where in HELL did this come from- says my silly brain.
And then it comes.
I AM PISSED.
I am pissed at my parents for not taking better care of Dan when he was a kid. (Revisionist history is in full swing)
I am pissed at my other brother for not doing something that relates to Dan (Imaginary history is running a close second)
I am pissed at my self for not noticing that he wasn't feeling well. (Revisionist and Imaginary combining into a really nasty dose of self-pity)
And after I get through that whole thought process and analysis, it comes down to one simple thing. One very, very simple thing.
I miss my brother. And that pisses me off. And when I get this pissed, I cry.
It hits me most often when I'm alone in the car. It's a combination of crying and screaming. I'd like to say it helps, but...
ReplyDelete::sits next to you and nods... and waits::
Perfectly, perfectly normal.
ReplyDeleteToday (the 7th) is my dad's birthday; he would have been 84, but died last August. I didn't really grieve over it, because his last few years were horrible for him and he was stripped of the dignity that he wore like skin.
But I am pissed, still. Not that he's gone, I'm pissed at my mother because she stood like this wall between us, and I never really got to know him.
I imagine this stage of the whole process, anger, is the one I won't get past.
And it's gonna make tomorrow, Mother's Day, kind of tricky. I don't even want to call...