Dan use to call me when he was on the road to tell me about the latest screw up in a delivery or picking up a load. He would rant about how his truck would be loaded improperly so the weight distribution would get him a whopping ticket at the next weigh station. He would argue with the people that loaded his truck and then have to find a scale somewhere to find out if he was "legal" before he could go on his way. Half the time he would have to reload his truck to make it legal. He would be pissed for the rest of the day. It wouldn't matter what else wonderful was going on. If he had to reload his day was shot and he was pissed. Occasionally, though, he would take it in stride and remind himself that life sometimes threw you curve balls.
I was thinking about that today because life threw me a curve ball when it took Dan. Actually it threw a spit ball and I am pissed about it. Today I am not taking it in stride. Today I am yelling at the umpire just like Dan yelled at the lumpers (the guys who load and unload the trucks). I am yelling at the cosmos. I want a new referee and a new game. I want time put back on the game clock. I want my brother back.
I am really trying to let the process occur on its own terms. I am trying not to stifle the feelings that come and go. BUT, I know that I must live my life and I am the only one that can make me satisfied with my life. So I look for joy. I try to create joy. I try to feel the wonderment of the world. Sometimes I really succeed. Sometimes I fail miserably. Right now, I am just pissed.