Walking through it

For some reason that I can't put my finger on, I miss Dan the most in the morning. When I am going to work I miss his outlandish puns and weird sense of humor. It would set me on a course that allowed me to see the absurdity in daily life. I could laugh or scoff as the case may be. I didn't talk it all so seriously.

Lately, everything is very serious. I find that I am not laughing. I think I am smiling at people but internally that is not happening at all.

I am not particularly depressed. My black cloud is someplace else. I just feel like I am walking through jello (can I use a trademarked word??) and that if I take one more arrow I will disappear somehow.

Two friends of mine have suffered the loss of a close family member in the last month. Two more have suffered severe back injury. Another is facing horrible financial problems.

I miss Dan telling me that I can't fix the world. I miss him telling me to take care of myself. I miss him telling me to go to Camp Nelson and turn off the damn cell phone. I miss him telling me to go to the beach with the dogs.

Right now I am watching my dogs happily chew on their nighttime treats. They are content with a person, some food, an occasional treat. That is where I want to get.

I want losing Dan to be ok. I want to be able to accept it as part of life. I am not anywhere near that place. It is gonna take a lot of time, methinks.